In a surprising move set to shock the world of retail grocery, Sainsburys have today announced they are to cease selling traditional foodstuffs, their bread and butter for many years, in favour of a full range of seasonal goods.
Conventional aisles such as ‘Bakery’ and ‘Fresh Fruit & Veg’ will be replaced with a range covering every holiday or event in the national calendar upon which they can convince the cash strapped public to overspend on promotional essentials.
Spokesman for the store Suzie Thorn told us “We had the idea after noticing that Easter products had been creeping into every aisle in the store, for instance chick themed sanitary pads with yellow fluffy wings, and ‘hot cross bum’ aloe vera toilet roll. Our seasonal ranges offer customers the chance to stock up for all occasions, the new aisles will include Valentines day, Pancake day, St Guinness Day, Easter, St George’s Day, School Holidays, Summer, Back to School, Halloween, Bonfire Night and Christmas. We’re certain we know what our customers should be buying, and remember, there’s only 107 shopping days until Whitsun, so stock up now with our Holy Spirits 2 for 1 special on Vodka and Rum.”
