In an open letter to "Fruit and Veg Lovers Weekly", sex-dungeon dweller and noted cross-dresser, Alex Reid has issued a stark warning to those contemplating the purchase of Watermelons.
"If you've recently bought a pair of melons", writes Reid, " get ready for a rollercoaster ride. I once bought a pair of melons", he continues, "They were really pricey. Although I'd take them to celebrity parties and we'd drink like crazy, it was always the next morning I treasured. I'm sure you know what happens. I'd be really hungover and the melons would be blotchy and a bit dented and bruised but they were never more beautiful to me"
"But the melons had a dark side. I once was asked to do an interview for some science programme on the telly. As soon as the crew turned up, the melons just pushed into the picture and started talking about their plans for a new line in horse fashion. Melon sex was fantastic to start with, but even that all dried up quite quickly too."
"My advice is to stay friendly with lots of other kinds of fruits and even fruitcakes, and to trust nobody"