After polishing the nation’s image over the last few years, during the lead-up to the 2012 Olympics, the Home Office is now trying to rein in the self-praise... in the hope of scaring off the hordes of Bulgarians and Romanians who might be thinking of coming over here to take the jobs we don’t want to do.
“Britain’s not what it’s cracked up to be”, said Theresa May, at the launch of the new advertising campaign, Britain is Shit. “Let’s start with the weather. This most be the only country in the world where you can be flooded out of your home at the same time as hosepipe bans are in force.”
The Home Secretary made a direct plea to anyone thinking of coming here in search of a better life. “You wouldn’t like it. The locals will spit at you in the street. Our efforts to embrace diversity have been stymied by our hatred of foreigners. We don’t even like ginger-haired people here, never mind wops and spics. We’ve got plenty of East Europeans already, thank you very much, though we can always find room for a few more rich Russian oligarchs.
“Brits are awful. They play cricket: a game that stops for meal breaks, lasts for days and makes no sense. They play football - badly - but every four years they honestly think they’re going to win the World Cup. They did win it once, back in 1966, but you’d never know. They never talk about it.
“Britain isn’t somewhere to come to, frankly; it’s somewhere to leave. Look at all those ex-pats on the Costa Blanca. And, by the way, when Brits go abroad, they’re ex-pats, but when foreigners come here, they’re benefit scroungers and illegal immigrants. OK?.
“The Olympics created a totally false impression of this country. Even poster girl Jessica Ennis wasn’t the gorgeous girl-next-door that women wanted to be and men lusted after. It’s all about camera angles; she’s a right old slapper really. The ‘Olympic legacy’? Forget it. There isn’t one. Everything's back to normal, and not in a good way. If you need any more persuading to stay where you are, the Boomtown Rats are re-forming and plan to play next year’s Isle of Wight Festival. Yes, that’s how shit Britain is”.
Aware that there might be some Brits listening to her speech, including potential Tory voters, May reassured them, in a whispered aside, that “plans to pave the streets of London with gold are on track and well within budget”...