In a move that has shocked many, the U.S. Transportation Security Administration announced last week that they will now be abolishing airport security measures, and instead will arm all passengers and crew. The move was apparently inspired by National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre’s repeated statements that the best way to reduce gun violence in America is to actually increase the amount of guns in the country.
“In the past our philosophy has been to try to prevent as many weapons as possible from getting onto planes,” TSA executive Bob Warren said. “However, the NRA’s recent statements on controlling gun violence have really been an epiphany for us, and they’ve led us to realize that the answer to plane security is to actually have more weapons on planes, not less.”
The implementation of the new policy will be quite simple. Each passenger on an airplane bound to or from America will receive one knife upon boarding. After the plane has safely landed at its destination passengers will then return their knives before disembarking from the plane. Crew of these airlines will always be in possession of a knife, as well as a taser.
In conjunction with this new policy, TSA will no longer be conducting security checks on flights originating in America. Identification checks, and personal x-rays, pat-down or body scans will now be things of the past, although baggage x-rays and checks will still be in place. Due to the reduced security measures, check-in times will be reduced to a half-hour before the flight. Given the reduced hassle in plane travel, TSA expects the policy change will be met with general approbation.
“I can’t tell you how pleased we were when Wayne LaPierre gave that speech on guns being the answer,” Warren said, “I mean here we were using huge amounts of resources, money, and time - not to mention annoying the heck out of everyone - just trying to keep weapons off planes because we thought that was what was safest. Now we understand that the opposite has been true all along. I mean who’s going to try to take over a plane full of people with knives? No one!”
Asked why they chose knives and not guns for arming passengers TSA sighted close-quarters on the plane, lack of training of passengers, the risk of sudden decompression and the preponderance of mechanical equipment as the chief factors in the decision. However, the organization has also stated that they are looking into providing a wider selection of weaponry to passengers in the future; options being currently considered include maces, nun-chucks and possibly even throwing stars.
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Taking Cue From National Rifle Association, U.S. Airlines to Arm Passengers
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marajade
offlineMemberPosted 3 months ago # -
Midnight Dreary
offlineMemberGreat idea.
Could do with a big laugh at the end. I'd have the passengers being given guns, not knives, and maybe end with eliminating the bomb threat by issuing one bomb per passenger (although the trial flight for this seems to have been delayed).
Posted 3 months ago #
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