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custard cream
offlineMember
The Central Office of Information has published rejected questions for the new Citizenship Test for UK applicants. These include:
'What is the UK flag called at sea?' - This was rejected because we no longer have any ships so there is no need for any flags at sea.
'What is the price of a litre of unleaded fuel?' - Rejected because fuel in the UK is still sold by the gallon.
OK, I've made a start - over to you for more suggestions for rejected questions.
Squudge
offlineMember
bugger - you beat me to it
I am cogitating on these... and quite miffed to pass the test. I was hoping to be deported.
Right:
1. What are essential to a fish and chip supper?
a) sliced white bread and butter
b) lurid mushy peas
c) a pot of strong tea
d) all of the above
2. Which Supermarket is advertised by Kerry Kaytona
a) Lidl
b) Iceland
c) Aldi
d) Poundland
3. Can you spend Scottish bank notes in London
a) Yes
b) No
c) Fuck off
d) Only in black taxis
4. Who put the cunt in Scunthorpe
a) Ordinance Survey
b) Viz magazine
c) Neither, it is an urban myth, all the cunts are in Woking
bonjonelson
offlineMember
48. You are walking at night in Stockwell, South London. A stranger comes up to you and says "'scuse me mate, have you got a light?". What do you do?
a) Hand over your wallet and iPhone 5
b) Apologise and tell him you don't smoke.
c) Offer him a 60watt lightbulb
d) Nothing. You're about to be stabbed in the stomach and die a painfull death.
writinginbsl
offlineMember
Q5-village protocol
When you are told "OOhh, bit chilly, today"
Do you:
1. Agree, and provide jaunty anecdotal evidence, including dramatic shudder.
2. Disagree and provide wistful anecdotal evidence, whilst taking off jacket or coat.
3. Completely mishear and say something completely irrelevant.
squudge-are you putting that glass in the dishwasher-cos im not
custard cream
offlineMember
Q.46 Which of these animals can be legally eaten in the UK?
a) Badgers
b) Swans
c) Squirrels
d) All of them if they are packaged correctly
Q.47 You are caught by a speed camera travelling at 34mph in a 30mph zone. What is the correct procedure to ensure you comply with UK law?
a) Deny everything
b) Get your partner to take the rap
c) Insist you are registered blind so couldn't possibly have been driving
d) Offer to attend a speed awareness course
Squudge
offlineMember
You are heading off for a little weekend break with the kids, staying within the UK. Which items below should you pack
(tick all that apply):
a) wellies and cagoules
b) snow shovel
c) sandwiches in tupperware plus folding chair for layby lunch
d) sunscreen
e) euros
NB: for assessor, bonus points for (c) as respondents have clearly been resident since the 1950s. Anyone ticking (e) may be a deluded tourist - watch list rather than 'deport' (d) is a 'red flag' answer
Midfield Diamond
offlineMember
What footwear goes best with open-toed sandals?
a) white ankle socks
b) black ankle socks
c) patterned ankle socks
d) long socks pulled up to the knee
Complete the following football chants:
a) I'd rather be a ______ than a _______
b) Two World _____ and One World _____
c) We're ______ and we're beating you
d) Eng____land, Eng____land, Eng____land
How long does it take for the locals to accept you after you move in to a Somerset village?
a) 20 years
b) 30 years
c) 40 years
d) you will never be accepted
(@Squudge - Layby lunches (that is a good line) are prevalent round our way, I always give them a friendly toot on the horn as I pass)
Son of Barnabas
offlineMember
When boarding a train, which of the following should you do:
1) Shake hands with all the passengers in the carriage, wishing them "a spiffing good morning, old bean"
2) Place your rucksack on your knees, look around nervously, and mutter: "72 virgins, here I come!"
3) Pick your nose, cough over everybody, spit on the floor, fart ostentatiously, grope fellow passengers and expose yourself.
4) Stare straight ahead and avoid all eye contact.
Note to examiners: top marks for either 3 or 4. Candidate is clearly familiar with local customs
Q3,741. Are you still sitting here? You must really want to become a British citizen. Why?
Quaz
offlineMember
You have been invited to attend a social event consisting of drinking in many bars, tavelling on foot, in a Northern city, in January. What is the correct form of attire?
a) A warm overcoat or ski jacket
b) A fairly heavyweight suit jacked, possibly something in tweed or with a good wool mix.
c) A sleeveless shirt or T-shirt for the man, and possibly have your hair shaved in a 'number 1'. For the woman, two 5 inch wide strips of tight elasticated cloth covering the chest and pelvis, and a pair of shoes that would be hard enough to walk in even if it were not for the snow and ice.
d) Burka
(note: c is correct, b is only acceptable in the Cotswolds, country pubs in the home counties, and certain areas of West London).
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