Mackerel – long regarded as sustainable fish – have been revealed as greedy oily bastards whose own gluttony and ill temper threatens their very survival. The ugly fish survive on a diet of smaller fish and crustaceans. Now it has been revealed that they have been systematically eating too much of their own natural food, making them fat and out of breath. Unless mackerel eat less, their own species is threatened.
“Far from being the healthy popular fish we thought they were, the humble mackerel is often obese, stressed and irritable and disliked by other seafood” commented a famous fish-chef who had his hair cut specially for the picture he hoped would be taken to go alongside this article.
Unusually for fish, mackerel aren’t great swimmers, which make them easy to catch, which is why they are cheaper than, smart TV's say. And the famous Omega Three, far from being a natural source of heart protecting substances, is actually the name of a crap science fiction comic published in the seventies and now forgotten, except by diehard mackerel fans, it has emerged.
Now, the era of reliable cheap friendly mackerel is over as the species is revealed to have benefitted from a clever marketing campaign, with mackerel getting into bed with cod to foment rumours of scarcity. Even the harmless childhood pastime of mackerel-spotting has been tarnished by rumours that children were enticed by lazy mackerel into allowing herring and dab in their counts.
A spokesmackerel said “We will bounce back from these harmful allegations which are all untrue. The media should concentrate on the scandal of smoked mackerel, now openly on sale in Truro and Bodmin.”