A scientist offered proof today that Labour leader, Ed Miliband, is as clear as he claims and probably even clearer.
Professor Sidney Cataract of COPNIL - the Cambridge Political Neuroscience Laboratory - revealed that intensive deep-tissue tests on Miliband clearly demonstrate him to be far clearer than previously believed and probably as clear as any politician can clearly be.
“We could see right through him”, Cataract announced at a Brussels symposium. “Unlike most politicians who claim to be clear and never are, Mr Miliband turns out to be so genuinely clear about anything and everything that nothing whatsoever showed up when we shined a light through him. Not a flicker of unclarity in his veins. And as for his aorta - it's so clear I've graded it AAA - clearer than either a mountain stream or pure ethanol.
Fellow politician, Peter Hain, who this week told reporters that Mr Miliband was crystal clear about both the European Union and the economy, welcomed the news. “Let's be clear about this,” explained Hain. “Mr Miliband is clearly as clear as me. It's just like I said at the Brighton Conference - on a clear day he can see Number 10.”