“The United Kingdom isn’t the only game in town”, insists Alex Salmond, Scotland’s first minister, bullishly. “We’re raising our sights. Having proved ourselves to be self-sufficient in oil, whisky, tartan, shortbread, deep-fried confectionary, unprovoked violence and simmering resentment, Scotland is ready to take its rightful place in the world.
“There are doubters and nay-sayers who suggest we won’t be able to survive without England. Nonsense! They say we can’t heat our homes with a sense of grievance alone... and, believe me, we’ve tried. They say we have a chip on our shoulder, but I say this: wear that chip with pride!
“Having received invitations from a number of shadowy organisations - including Spectre, SMERSH, the Illuminati and the BBC Light Entertainment unit - we considered our options. We were particularly impressed by North Korea’s presentation. Their ‘goody bags’ were sacks full of puppies and house-bricks: how imaginative! I threw the sack into the River Clyde myself. It felt good to be bad.
"I am now able to reveal, exclusively, that Scotland will be leaving the United Kingdom and joining the Axis of Evil. We will start as associate members until we can prove ourselves worthy of full membership - by garroting Rod Stewart, say, or releasing anthrax spores on the Isle of Mull. Then, once we have the arsenal of reliably accurate, long-range Scud missiles that we’ve been promised, the English will have good reason to be nervous! There will be sleepless nights in towns as far away as, oh, Carlisle and Berwick-upon-Tweed”...