UK Prime Minister David Cameron has announced his government's new energy policy. With North Sea oil in decline and an unsure future for fracking, any untapped energy sources are being seized upon as a potential saviour for Britain's fuel needs.
He has suggested plans to build a series of new power stations around the country, which could potentially provide much of Britain's energy by burning human flesh. Modern facilities can extract much of the energy from burning a body, using a device called the "rotisserie crematorium". This slowly roasts the corpse to maximise the burn time, with the smoke used to drive a turbine. A 20 stone man can provide enough energy to power a hamlet for a week.
With Britons being the fattest in Europe, there is great potential for human energy production. The only downside to the scheme is that legally the power stations would have to wait until people die before they can be burned. During periods of high energy usage such as the current big freeze, it is possible that there could be power cuts. However, as that would then lead to more deaths, it is hoped that any outages would be short-lived.
"Our people are our greatest natural resource," said Cameron. "And that's even more true when they are also our main fuel supply."
As poor people are usually much heavier than their wealthier compatriots, they are being encouraged to sign up for the scheme. Anyone who donates their body to the National Grid will be rewarded with a free packet of bacon.