January 25, 2013
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a shocking turn of events ailing Dear Abby advice columnist Pauline Phillips shelved her customary charm by issuing a final declaration for her readers to “go fuck themselves.”
“I’ve always looked to her column for quaint life advice and snappy one-liners,” said longtime reader Debbie Wexlerman, of the recently deceased Phillips, “but I don’t know what to do with this counsel.”
According to sources, the whole ordeal was “bizarre” and “unsettling,” especially when the late columnist said, “Let those mouth-breathing shit bags try to trudge through life without Abby’s coat tails to ride on. They’re sheep, you hear me? Sheep!”
Abby’s surviving family members, meanwhile, cited various personal attacks and character assaults from the former writer. Among these were Phillips’s assertions that Ann Landers was “an uppity, shit-fucking hack.”
“There was a moment there where she really laid into Ann,” Abby’s daughter, Jeanne, told reporters. “[Abby] had said she was relishing the moment when she could stroll through the gates of Hell and punch that smug bitch in the teeth. I’m not sure where all this anger was coming from, but she was pissed,” added Jeanne.
“Everyone wants a piece of Abby, but this store’s closed for business!” spewed a requiem from the famous writer’s lips. “Get your own lives in order, you mealy mouthed bastards!”
Scores of fans have gathered outside of the recently deceased Dear Abby’s home to hold a candlelit vigil in honor of the woman, who, on her deathbed, called them “soul-sucking ass hats.”
Others, however, have started contacting various psychics and spiritual mediums to channel Abby and her advice from the afterlife.