Staff at Shetland’s alcohol & drugs service SADS say they have seen a sharp decline in the use of Heroin amongst residents over the past few years, however the social use of prescription medication has increased tenfold.
Ritalin, also known as Attenta or calmthefuckdown, is thought to be the cause of a huge surge in prescription medication abuse. Drug officers in Shetland, through a campaign of expressive rhythmic dance are warning of the dangers of mixing Ritalin suppositories with alcoholic enemas.
Research has shown the drug & booze cocktail creates a toxic third chemical that can cause liver damage, heart-burn, & those funny little winking elbow thumbs often associated with Thalidomide victims. Many Shetlandites have been hospitalised due to prolaps & in one near tragic case a young mans heart actually may have missed a beat.
The drug is thought to be being peddled to the islanders by passing bearded Norwegian trawler men, often pausing as door-to-door acetylene salesmen.
"Ritalin is very very rife in Shetland's pubs & house party scene" according to Myrtle Flaggen, youth worker "Most people who use Ritalin will be drinking rectal bongs at the same time. A couple suppositories can keep you up all night, you know."
Meanwhile many of Shetland’s residents think they are safe, but a rectal Ritalin alcoholic suppository bong cocktail, or "Clop-Clop" as it’s known locally, can be much stronger & long lasting than many “herbal highs” & can cause unforeseen complications in later life.
SADS advise that anyone experiencing health problems after taking drugs should contact the NHS Shetland substance enjoyment team or failing that The Samaritans, possibly even a Tesco pharmacy.