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Newsbiscuit Feature: Your stars for the coming month (with 20/20 Hindsight)

(15 posts) (14 voices)

Started 5 months ago by AReader
Latest reply from The All New Jeni B

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AReader

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Aries: Now you realise why the last few races at the Curragh had so many non-starters, you really should have refused buying that lorry-load of prime beef, sight unseen, bought for only 10 euros, a case of Guinness and some ciggies. Try telling that story to the people at the Unemployment Office - they'll never believe it.

Taurus:

Gemini:

Cancer:

Leo:

Virgo:

Libra:

Scorpio

Sagittarius:

Capricorn:

Aquarius:

Pisces:

Posted 5 months ago #
bonjonelson

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Taurus: Mercury ascending will cause you to lose weight far faster than you planned. By tomorrow you will have negative mass and will be sent to CERN for investigation by curious physicists.

Posted 5 months ago #
FlashArry

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Gemini : Bipolar. The clues were always there.

Cancer : A tallish man, or possibly a well built woman, will say or do something that will make you pensive, anguished or slightly queasy. Avoid herring-based appetisers. Fuck it, that'll have to do.

Posted 5 months ago #
Squudge

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Leo - you will be remembered for bad hair and cheesy singing

Virgo - who are you kidding, seriously.

Posted 5 months ago #
dvo4fun

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Ramadan: You may feel a bit peckish but try to resist the urge to binge-eat

Posted 5 months ago #
Tripod

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Scorpio: you are wary of astrological predictions. You have every right to be...

Posted 5 months ago #
waylandsmithy

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Simon: your head is too big for your face. Your children hate you. Not looking good, is it?

Posted 5 months ago #
kimllfixit

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Sagittarius: For so many years, people have criticised how you walk round with a bow and arrow. Well who's laughing now, bitches?

Posted 5 months ago #
Nails UK

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Libra: There will be some disagreements with friends and family as your choice of Christmas gifts of HMV vouchers for everyone last month backfires somewhat. Stick to book tokens in future.

Capricorn: You have high hopes for your love life as the butcher in Tesco appears to be taking an interest in you. However his motives may not be as clear-cut as you believe.

Aquarius: Good news as the hosepipe ban in your area is lifted, so you can finally empty that mosquito-laden water butt.

Nails UK: Your New Year resolution not to post on on-line comedy sites fails spectacularly. It wasn't worth it either, as nobody laughed at what you posted.

Posted 5 months ago #
Golgo13

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Virgo: This week you'll be wondering where the cue ball's going.

Orion: Time to man up and apply for full zodiac membership.

Posted 5 months ago #
AReader

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Ophiuchus: As the 13th member of the Zodiac, you are used to being ignored by people. And its never going to change.

Posted 4 months ago #
Midfield Diamond

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Pisces: A film about the first third of your life will be critically acclaimed, leading to speculation about two sequels.

Posted 4 months ago #
Sinnick

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Virgo: might as well rebrand yourself, as Meretrix

Posted 4 months ago #
sigmund

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Cancer: Nobody wants you.

Scorpio: You’re a bit of a prick, aren’t you? Even Ford named one of their worst cars after you.

Posted 4 months ago #
The All New Jeni B

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Taurus: You will feel a bit down this week as Tesco overlook you in favour of Sagittarius.

Posted 4 months ago #

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