Admitting that cycling is irredeemably fucked as a genuine sport, Lance Armstrong has announced that the inaugural Big Stoned Bike Ride will take place in Amsterdam in 2014. “It will be an inclusive, ‘anything goes’, no-holds-barred dope-fest”, insisted the now-discredited ‘winner’ of seven Tours de France, as he took a toke on his bong.
“Participants will be drug-tested before their events and, if no drugs are found in their system, will be given 15 minutes to put things right. A mobile pharmacy will cater to their every need, whether that’s a couple of asprin or a heroic dose of horse tranquilisers. Recreational drugs, performance enhancing drugs: you name it, we’ll have it! Our only stipulation is that winners must be alive - and preferably conscious - when they're awarded their prizes. Dead pedallers will be disqualified. Party on, dudes!”...
