ECB to clamp down down players having a life.
The England and Wales Cricket Board are looking to recruit a team of carers to look after the England men’s squad. The duties of the carers will include tucking the players up in bed at 11 pm, all year round, and locking the door to their room from the outside in order to keep them in check. They may read them a bedtime story if requested to do so. Should any player manage to get out of the locked room, tasering is a possibility. Said an ECB Spokesman, who didn’t want to be n
Dr Who likely on hiatus for a long time
The BBC has confirmed that an expensive Christmas special will not now be shown. A spokesman said, 'Russell T has made the plotline entirely too weird. Fans will not accept that the next Doctor is a combination of Billy Piper's body, Tom Baker's voice and the holographic face of William Hartnell. Nor will they accept a cross between Kryten from Red Dwarf, Orac from Blake's Seven, and an openly trans gay black naked llama as the next companion. Now that we've lost the Disney m
West Ham 'going down', takes on sinister meaning
Accusations of misconduct by co-owner, David Sullivan, has created horrendous double meanings for the team. 'I'm forever blowing bubbles' is less of a chant, more of a witness statement. Despite denials, Sullivan's claret and blue handsy armsy is cause of much gossip. Claimed one season ticket holder, "The Championship will be as a difficult to get out as a Sullivan clinch." Loyal fans still yell, 'Come on you Irons!', while his lawyer quickly countered, 'Come on who? My clie
Two year old "prick" shortlisted for next FIFA peace prize
Clacton toddler, Wayne Jenkins, has been shortlisted for the 2027 FIFA Peace Prize. Rachel Meadon has been a babysitter for Wayne and speaking from her hospital bed, Ms Meadon issued the statement, "My god, that little ****?" FIFA president, Gianni Infantino, explained the decision. "Our first thought was to give it to Donald Trump again but in the long tradition of the peace prize, no one has received it twice. So we spread the net a bit wider and we discovered on a childcar
World Cup: Trump to score winning goal
Contingency plans are in place for Donald Trump to win the World Cup. If the USA team gets to the finals, then Trump will be substituted into the US team for the last minutes of the game. The US players are then instructed to make sure that Donald Trump scores the winning goal. If the match is decided on a penalty shoot out, then the US President will take one of the kicks. Trump has been taught how to kick the ball in the right direction, and to ensure that the kick is ha
Banknote animal contest 'to the death', screams a bloodthirsty Attenborough
Sir David Attenborough has confided in colleagues that as he begins his 2nd century, his usual leisure pursuits of dolphin drowning, chimpanzee knife fights and adding to his collection of panda-fur pimp coats, no longer hold the same appeal they once did. One cameraman said, 'Poor old Dave. Even hippopotamus porn, setting fire to rare grasslands and high stakes wagers involving poisonous frogs are now losing their lustre. But when he heard about a contest for putting British
Ed Davey announces stand-up show at Palladium
Ed Davey has announced a 100-night residency at the London Palladium on the back of Davey's barnstorming PMQ's performance this week, where he delivered a zinger of a gag.
BAFTAs to Replace Gendered Acting Plaudits with 'Best Mortal Kombat Film'
Next year's BAFTA Film Awards are merging Best Actor in a Leading Role and Best Actress in a Leading Role into one award, honouring Mortal Kombat II.
Trump hails the World Cup
'The World Cup is brilliant,' says Donald Trump, 'even though soccer is not a proper sport. We love it even so. American Football is obviously better, just because it is so much better.
The many lives of Sonny Rollins
The jazz world is mourning the passing of a colossus of the tenor saxophone this week, the legendary, towering figure of Sonny Rollins who has died at age of 174. He passed away peacefully in New York surrounded by family, the ghost of John Coltrane – his old sparring partner, and a beautiful set of changes to A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square.
