In a controversial change of marketing strategy, the batteries that have caused Boeing’s 787 Dreamliner fleet to be grounded are being offered to power-crazed despots and terrorist organisations as weapons of mass destruction. Named ‘Flatliner’, the battery’s combination of rapid thermal runaway and release of deadly chemicals into the atmosphere is claimed to have an effect up to ten times more powerful than a World War One mustard gas bomb, but in a small, convenient, lightweight package.
A spokesman for the battery supplier turned arms dealer announced, “This is a highly-charged sales opportunity. Many onlookers thought that the latest 787 setback would be terminal for us but we are very positive about Flatliner.”
Battery manufacturers have always been interested in using dangerous substances in their products, so it is perhaps surprising that they haven’t diversified into weaponry before now. Lead and acid are fairly nasty, Cadmium is highly toxic and Lithium, the principle element in Flatliner, is highly reactive, especially with water. However, the industry has always strenuously denied allegations that a plutonium-napalm battery is under development.
With apologies and large hat-tip to Gerontius for his brilliant Flatliner jibe