An apology by Tesco for muddling up animals may have contained traces of horseshit, say regulators.
Inspectors recently discovered that Tesco had as little idea what was inside the products it passed off as 'food' as its most trusting of customers. Uncowed, the supermarket took immediate action, and ponied up for a lot more advertising.
"If we want to continue taking money off the awful people that shop here, we have to nurture the impression we give a toss about them", explained PR Manager Charles Valerie. "But it's a thin line between 'caring' and 'taking responsibility', which is why we've promised to delegate the blame to suppliers."
Tesco has commissioned an extensive and far-reaching witch-hunt, to be carried out by some meat-packing company or other in Ireland. "We've pledged to buy the face-value villain they hand over to us, and sell it on to the public without asking any difficult questions", said Valerie. "Time is of the essence if we're to regain the public's trust. The advertising deadline for tomorrow's newspapers is 2.30pm."
Valerie has vowed to avoid taking the blame for similar incidents in the future, and has put together a team of photogenic QA managers to show journalists they take quality seriously. "They're working hard on designing a safety sticker for the big mincing machines, it shows a horse with a red cross through it", enthused Valerie.
"My team will check that they're used by every one of our suppliers, it's all part of our ongoing commitment to ensure we're not saddled with guilt. I've got the bit between my teeth, I won't be hampered by our suppliers. Assuming someone can find where they are on a map."
Hat-tip to NickB for inadvertently nicking the headline