Roman Abramovich’s advisors have informed all Chelsea supporters that as of 9AM this morning, they have been fired. Interim fans from the Organisation of Russian Commuting Supporters (ORCS) will take their places until the end of the season, while the ruthless oligarch negotiates with supporters from other clubs who will appreciate him more, and follow his instructions with greater obedience. Meanwhile, sources reveal that Vladimir Putin is now favourite to take over from Rafa Benitez, if, as expected, the Spaniard moves back in the summer to the obscurity he so obviously craves. Putin’s domestic record of dealing with disgruntled opponents, not to mention former allies, plus his international pedigree including successful forays into Chechnya, will mean that Abramovich finally has a man at the helm in whom he can trust absolutely, so long as he doesn’t nod off, turn his back, or fail to maintain his Polonium detection equipment. The FA was quick to endorse these latest developments, saying Chelsea fans, along with those at Manchester United, had long ago shown they could not meet Football’s ‘fit and proper’ criteria, and would not be missed. Stamford Bridge stalwart’s John Terry and Frank Lampard tweeted that they had nothing to do with the fans’ dismissal, but that they were all legends. They intend to fully support the new fans and manager, even if they are both cast aside at the end of their current contracts, having sacrificed so much for the club, for so long, and for so little in return, apart from countless millions of pounds and blood-soaked roubles.
Roman sacks vandals
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I love the headline! Recalls the old "Man bites dog" antithesis.
Don't understand any of the rest of it though - I don't "do" football.
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