Archaeologists have found what they say is the earliest evidence of Neanderthal man 'getting on his mates' tits'.
The finds were unearthed during Highways Agency works at the M25 / A2 road junction near Dartford and have been dated to around 110,000 years ago using a method known as incandescent optoillumination (IO). This exploits the presence of so-called 'light rays' being emitted from handheld equipment known as a 'torch', with experts examining the object in question and 'taking a bit of a guess'.
The artefacts include a mammoth-bone slab engraved with pictograms recently translated as 'kick me' and glue marks showing where it was once sellotaped to someone's back. More remarkable is a diary page from a Neanderthal known as 'Phil' containing an entry reading 'Dave tried scare tribe again tonight. Pretended was sabre tooth. Him such a tool. We fix him good.'
The discovery shows that men in and around the Dartford area 'haven't changed for millenia' said Dr Francis Wenban-Smith, from Southampton University, but he believes he knows why some people from the region became known for trying to piss other people off. 'We know that Neanderthals inhabited Northern France', he said, 'and a 'land bridge' appeared across the English Channel when sea levels dropped, allowing them easy access to what is now Kent. Seeing as the French are twats, it makes sense that some of their decendants in and around Dartford would be too.'
[HELP, RUN OUT OF STEAM. ANYONE GOT ANY IDEAS?]