Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has said patients are costing the NHS billions of pounds every year and a move away from treating them would help make considerable savings.
Mr.Hunt said he would like to see a ‘streamlined, patientless NHS by 2018’ freeing up desperately needed funds for the extra layers of middle-management and accountancy firms that would be essential to make the plan work.
PwC suggest a possible £4.4bn could be saved if the NHS did away with looking after people who are ill and concentrated instead on more important issues such as final salary pension plans and annual pay rises for the top 5% highest earners.
In future, people in need of health care would be able to access each others health problems on-line and share the information with third parties, identity thieves and computer hackers worldwide promised Mr.Hunt.
Anybody with a terminal or contagious illness could be visited in their own home by family and friends on FaceBook or be told how well they looked via Skype without them having to worry about visiting hours or stopping off to buy those seedless grapes and a bottle of Lucozade.
‘Hospital acquired infections would become a thing of the past. We could have an NHS entirely free of superbugs or MRSA but to do this we must get rid of the patients first and let management get on with the job of running things without one hand tied behind their back’.
The Health Secretary was quick to defend the decision saying that with so many high street business going to the wall there would be no shortage of managers, supervisors or accountants ready to fill the gap left by the patients.
Waiting lists would be cut and patients would no longer have to wait for hours in A&E to be treated in understaffed hospitals by doctors and nurses who were not even born here in the UK.
But certain jobs would be ring-fenced promised Mr.Hunt ‘management won’t be able to run things on their own. Canteen workers, kitchen staff and cleaners would all keep their jobs despite not having been born here.
And with the average game of golf now taking around five hours to complete, Hunt insists those trusted in running the NHS in future will be some of the fittest and healthiest free loaders eligible to submit a fantastical expense claim since the service began.
