Christians throughout the world are today united in joy at the announcement by British Airways to operate the world’s first Christians only Air Bus. Affectionately known as the Happy-Clapper-Flapper or the HCF, the new Air Bus will link the UK and other Christian majority countries, avoiding secular and Muslim air-space.
A British Airways spokesman said, “With recent European Court challenges we recognise that we have totally neglected the beliefs and human rights of Christians to allow them to fly completely segregated from non-believers and Joan Collins. Divided into Crusader class and Pilgrim class the HCF will cater for all sections of the Christian hierarchy from Arch Bishops to vergers and members of the Women’s Institute.”
In a surprise change to BA’s strict uniform policy fashion designer Stella McCartney has been commissioned to produce appropriate uniforms for the new Air Bus. “My collection will consist of white hair shirts embroidered with a series of visible gold crosses. Senior cabin crew will be given two extra golden wings to make the whole collection come together in perfect harmony,” she said in an interview with inflight magazine ‘Heavenly Clouds’.
Passenger entertainment has also been carefully attended to. Congregational singing will be led by Pentecostal flight attendants with licences to perform baptisms and last rights according to passenger requirements. However, holy water will be restricted to 25cl bottles in accordance with airport security measures.
BA pilot Captain David Pontius said, “As a committed Christian I am delighted to be flying my Christian brothers and sisters and taking them even closer to heaven than they are. My in-flight announcements will be delivered as psalms to soothe any nervous passengers. Cabin crew will also spend their rest time at humble retreats instead of luxury 5 star hotels with all of the related temptations which I have now cast aside.”
The dietary needs of passengers has been carefully considered with a broad menu consisting of milk and honey, loaves and fishes and manna to cater for vegetarian zealots.
Prime Minister David Cameron said he was "delighted" that British Airways had upheld the "principle of religious expression for all", adding that any Tory right winger travelling first class “shouldn't suffer discrimination due to bigotted religious beliefs".
A report that the airline is to allow same-sex civil partnership ceremonies on board HCF flights has yet to be confirmed.