In an interview to be broadcast this Thursday, the peddling liar Lance Armstrong is to announce to the television host Oprah Winfrey that he has given up lying.
Extracts of the interview that have been leaked online show Armstrong holding back tears and saying: "All these years, I've been a disgusting, lying cheat. I lied like it was going out of fashion. I was the world champion of liars. I lied to all the people I cared about. I lied to everyone who challenged me. And I apologise for that. Now is the time for me to stop."
Announcing a new book, entitled "I'm Nothing But A Disgusting Liar And I Wish You Could All Just Love Me", Armstrong said his name was not even Lance Armstrong. "It's Kevin Allen," he said. "But I wanted to sound hard. My whole name, my whole life, is just a lie."
Armstrong tells Winfrey: "I even said I liked Sheryl Crow songs. I did anything to get her to sleep with me. I'm just a born liar, I couldn't help myself. I mean, I don't mind 'A Change Will Do You Good', but it gets a bit boring after a few listens. And I lied about enjoying cycling. I don't really. It chaffs my arse. I've had terrible haemorrhoids for years. And no man looks good in Lycra. But I couldn't stop. I just lied, lied, lied. Lying is like a drug."
When challenged to elaborate by Winfrey, Armstrong said: "Not that I have ever taken drugs. I don't know what it's like to take drugs. I don't even know what drugs are."