Britain's largest transport aircraft has been offered to the French, so that Gérard Depardieu can be airlifted to the Mali frontline. In a daring operation that exceeded the airframe's carrying capacity by some 26%, Depardieu was delivered intact but hungry and dangerously low on wine.
"As soon as I heard about Mali, I phoned my agent to see if such a trip was tax-deductable", said the actor. "Then I had lunch, some patisseries and a small bucket of brandy. After that it was time for a money wash, a whole roast goose and a litre or so of pernod. Then I was struck in the back by a grappling hook, and winched aboard the plane."
The flight logistics were difficult and involved several in-air refuelling exercises. "The RAF does not yet have the capability to store more than a tonne and a half of carefully refrigerated foie gras on a plane", explained Depardieu. The sweat-drenched hulk is considered a 'heart throb' in his ex-native France, and as such is required by his insurers to always travel with at least four defibrilators and a couple of cardiac surgeons.
Depardieu spent an entertaining evening showing troops how to run away to Russia, and how to urinate and projectile vomit simultaneously while eyeing up young girls. A delighted general forgave Depardieu for destroying two latrines and a mess tent, describing the star as a 'delicate and considerate lover' who certainly knew his way around an anus.
Hat tip to Dick Everyman