Costcutting making it 'difficult to uphold quality and frequency of punishments'
Satan himself has today issued a press release warning that austerity measures might compromise the quality and severity of punishments in hell. Costcutting measures have included halving the number of full-time employed demons tormenting sinners and turning down the thermostat from 'burning' to 'a bit too hot' to save on energy costs. The Prince of Darkness announced 'I have been forced to turned hell from the top venue for eternal damnation that really frightens the shit out of the faithful into a literally lukewarm, slightly rubbish place resembling a council run gym, where JLS blares out of the sound system and instructors are doing everything they can to help you put your back out.'
Satan added, 'I have worked hard to make hell as unpleasant as possible for millennia, but it seems that strategy has changed from up on high. I was not invited to the recent economic forum in Davos, and Rupert Murdoch is no longer returning my calls. It seems that The Almighty himself has outsourced aspects of eternal torment to politicians and financiers who have devised cheaper, albeit mundane strategies to make life a misery for everyone, everywhere, immediately.'
A government spokesperson said 'It is true, we really are in this together, sinners and saints alike, so committed inmates of hell will just have to accept that their punishment will no longer consist of thousands of demons poking them by hand with sharp sticks and will instead consist of watching TOWIE while being listlessly poked by a G4S employee, if he can be bothered to turn up, that is.'
The Almighty was not available for comment but issued the following statement:
As part of my general efficiency drive I have started to merge hell and earth, so get used to it!