Professional football commentator and television presenter Adrian Chiles is to share the secret of his enormous success in a series of master classes. Each class will offer budding sports monkeys a unique insight into the skills they will need for a successful career as a football commentator.
“There are a number of rules which football journalists need to adhere to in order to be accepted by your average footie fan.” he explained, “Rule one is ‘never ever mention gay footballers.’ Yes, they may exist in premiership football but your average knuckle dragging supporter can only deal with celebration hugging. Any reference to players who enjoy sharing man fluids is to be avoided to protect your long term career prospects. So leave all that stuff to the Guardian.”
Chiles will also explore other key aspects of his craft, such as how he sources football stories. “It is important to find a match that’s being televised, otherwise you’ll be basically talking to yourself. I then find a couple of thick ex-players so that we can deliver a mind numbing blow by blow account of who’s kicking the ball to whom and in which direction and if they manage to get it past the goalie.
The aim is to keep things simple. Imagine that you are talking to a single celled creature, er…well you are in fact so keep long adjectives and words of more than two syllables to an absolute minimum.”
The course will also teach candidates how to sustain inane half-time and post-match-commentary, whilst re-running stuff you’ve just seen so that you can analyse it to death.
Instruction will include cliché avoidance. “I show people the alternatives to words and phrases like “gutted,” “over the moon,” and “it’s a game of two halves,” said Chiles. Not that it makes a blinding bit of difference as any clever deviation from these staple phrases can sometimes lead to conjecture about your own sexuality. So when in doubt, just act gob-smacked and stare blankly at the camera.”
Finally, for all those doomed to fail female sports monkeys, Christine Bleakley will offer advice on how to become a pointless WAG.