More soon
Quick links: NewsBiscuit Home • Chat Room • Writers' Room • Top Ten
Oh shit, Rebecca from Mature Dating is STILL only 3 miles away, says everyone
(43 posts) (24 voices)
-
charlies_hat
offlineMemberMrs Danvers keeps popping up on my PC and scaring her off.
Posted 4 months ago # -
The Real Rebecca
offlineMemberHello everyone, my name is Rebecca Johnson and I was chosen by the nice people at Mature Dating to promote their site. I am 35 years old and a mother of two lovely kids. I'm pleased to be single again after a very acrimonious divorce and I am trying to rebuild my life and my confidence.
Image my shock to be told by one of my friends that there was a group of so called 'comedy' writers taking the piss out of my looks and weight problem on a public forum.
I have asked Mature Dating to remove my image but they say the advertising contract has another three months to run and cannot be cancelled.
I hope you're all proud of yourselves.Posted 4 months ago # -
waylandsmithy
offlineMemberHi Rebecca,
If they can't remove your image from the adverts, perhaps you could ask them to Photoshop you down a bit instead? Perhaps give you a couple of extra tits, airbrush the tube of anusol off the bedside table, reduce the bingo wings by a couple of feet?It worked for me. I'm inundated with emails from desperate, unfulfilled women who have seen my ad on 18inchpenisdating.com. You'd hardly notice the hideous growth on my face!
Posted 4 months ago # -
charlies_hat
offlineMemberRebecca... Johnson? OMG ! It's Charlie, Charlie from the Red Lion, the rash has gone now, do you fancy giving it one last try?
Posted 4 months ago # -
The Real Rebecca
offlineMemberThank you all for your sensitive and thoughtful comments. I’m sorry I couldn’t respond last night but by the time I had comforted my children to sleep after a day of twitter bullying, it was time for me to go to out on my Thursday night date.
Fortunately Johno, as he likes to be called, only lives about 3 miles away. We met up at the Red Lion, the plan being to either have a quick drink and say good night, or to have a quick drink and go back to my place for a nightcap if he was ok. Either way I would be home within the hour, what’s the chance of the house burning down with my kids inside unattended in that timescale?
Johno turned out to be a right middle class twat and as I was at the wrong time in my cycle anyway I escaped as he headed for the toilets with five pound coins clenched in his sweaty fist, cheeky bastard what did he think he’d catch?!
It’s so hard to find a partner these days and my 18 year old twins do so want a new ‘uncle’. There have been plenty of disappointments recently.
Yes I did meet Charlie Shat in the same pub a while back. You’re wrong Charlie, the rash hasn’t gone yet, but the doctor says it was caused by your nasty little tash on my recently waxed lady area and nothing more serious.
I, Ron Duke was a little concerned when he got down there as rash had turned a little pussy, but he pressed ahead ; what’s the chances of catching anything in 30 seconds anyway? Yes, I was timing you, and yes you can have your watch back. And word of advice for you on your next date, leave that anal thermometer at home, ladies don’t like, and neither do their pets.
No, Dick Everyman, the Dalmatian on my bedside table does not dispense Vaseline, when I press my man’s head there’s no need for lube I can assure you. But what would you know, you spent all evening chatting up the young lad behind the bar.
Waylandsmithy, what sort of name is that? Is that a good likeness in your photo? You look like a pork pie, round, crusty and full of fatty meat, mmm … may be we have met. I must say though, I do prefer a hot sausage roll or a pork roast on a warm summers evening, are you up for it!
Last night I dreamt I want a man to lay again.
But it won’t be any of you losers…
Love
RPosted 4 months ago # -
Brenda SugarTits69
offlineMemberI loved the bit about your pussy turning pussy. I've turned a few in my time. Is the lady for turning?
Posted 4 months ago # -
Brenda SugarTits69
offlineMemberI know what you mean TRR...I love being a lesbian and doing lesbian things with my super-hot Japanese lesbian girlfriend Akiko, but now and again we like to spice things up by inviting mature men (balding, slightly overweight) to watch and/or join in our steamy lesbian romps with no strings and that will totally not get back to their wives. Ever.
Perhaps I could "meat you half way" if we involved one of my regular chaps in a three-way? If I'm running late, you two could get started, and I'll join in later.
Posted 4 months ago # -
rickwestwell
offlineMemberFortunately Johno, as he likes to be called, only lives about 3 miles away.
ROFLMFAO!
Posted 4 months ago # -
Otto Jespersen
offlineMemberIt iss gut for the rippink off the piss out off der advertisings who actually are payin der money-gold to der site. Ha! Take it, evill funders off der Biscuit!
Butt iss it takink eine libertaty iff der joke ist eine completely shitt one? Otto ist sayink yes, butt mitt a rememberink dat postink weak shitt ist reboundink facewards inn der schittchimps furr allways.
Oh schitt, I am repeatink ein weak piss-gush mitt not eine tracink off der humours, sprecht everywunn. Wun star at der bestt.
Posted 4 months ago #
Reply »
You must log in to post.