New Conservative welfare policy to be based on BBC Radio 4 listener demographics
The next manifesto for the Conservative party is set to include a radical new idea for welfare services aimed to appeal more to traditional conservative voters. The new policy, devised after extensive research carried out by PHD students at Accrington Polytechnic (soon to be known as the University of Oswaldtwistle-Cum-Bye) is primarily based on the demographics of the audience for the popular morning news programme on BBC Radio 4 - the Today Programme.
The researchers found a strong correlation between the times listeners tuned in and the type of people the Government needed to aim at. In future, when contacting any arm of the Government, you will be asked which radio station you listen to, and at what times. The responses can then be tailored to match your requirements and the needs of the country at that time.
Listeners to any channel in a morning other than BBC Radio 4 obviously means you have no interest in politics or current affairs and will therefore receive the basic response (to be known as the “pleb riposte”). They probably don’t vote conservative anyway (particularly BBC Radio 2 fans).
Here is the full table of listener types:-
Before 5am Night workers and insomniacs - meh
5am to 6am Fishermen
6am to 6.30am Early starters with a bus to catch
6.30am to 7am Proper workers, salt of the earth (hard working families)
7am to 7.30am Shopkeepers
7.30am to 8am MPs and vicars who need a pep talk to get going (thought for the day)
8am to 8.30am This is a large group including teachers and other Guardian readers. It also includes Yummy Mummys on their way to school in their Audi Q3/5/7/9. Proper workers are already hard at it.
8.30am to 9am More Yummy Mummys running late in their BMW X3/5/7/9 (it’s OK - BWM’s can go faster than most other cars).
9am onwards Feckless Scroungers and those in their cars for work e.g. Sales Droids on their way to an important sales meeting, and non-executive directors on their way to an important expenses claim.
Iain Duncan Smith, who has been refining the policy over recent weeks, was unavailable for comment when asked about this by Nick Clegg.