In a mid-term announcement David Cameron and Nick Clegg are to work together over the next two and a half years to deliver the ‘Ronseal’ guarantee.
And so, with immediate effect and without any consultation, everyone over the age of 65 will be sealed in varnish until the Coalition decides how to deal with their future benefits and pensions.
In a news conference today David Cameron said, “We will obviously give them a choice of matt, satin or gloss in line with their personal preferences, and hopefully in two and a half years’ time they’ll have forgotten how shit we were and vote for us again after we’ve released them from their misery with a bit of white (wash) spirit.”
The Coalition has also promised to continue to fill in the big holes left by the previous government.
“Nick and I will continue to put in place a range of super smooth repairs such as taking away child benefits and, we can guarantee that some families will experience an ultimate finish with all the social services agencies we can muster.”
However opposition leaders have spoken against the Coalition’s long term guarantees. “They may say that they can do what it says on the tin but none of their policies can protect against rot. In fact it really doesn’t take much research to see through all the cracks. In short, no amount of rhetoric will protect hard working people against the knocks and scuffs that this Government has got in store for them up until the next election.
But Tory ministers are united in their quest to achieve a majority in the next election with or without the Liberal Democrats.
A spokesman for the Party said, “We are happy with the amount of non-yellowing policies we have on offer. In short, as per the Ronseal guarantee, we are ready for everything that life throws at us without having to gloss over our differences…”