A scientist working for the Ministry of Defence has invented a legal high so powerful, the users believe they can piss rainbows.
Dr John Timpkins worked alongside soldiers in Kandahar for 3 months, to see if his scientific knowledge could help them in their struggle against the Taliban. After just an hour and a half in the dust-ridden hell-hole, the unusually decorated chemist ascertained that a powerful psychoactive drug was the only way to convince troops they were actually winning.
“In strictly scientific terms, you could describe Afghanistan as a massive bummer”, explained Timpkins. “That’s when I knew my experience as a student working in a suburban meths lab would pay off, and I knocked up some chemicals that make your brain think it’s the left half of a pantomime unicorn.”
Timpkins believes that the drug could be good for morale, once the cheese gibbons have spored and your eyes have stopped wheezing La Cucaracha. “The best way to come down is somewhere chilled, like the Falklands”, he said. “With your fist up one of those really big penguins.”