In an historic move the gay community has voted to extend membership to Anglican Bishops as long as they repent of their beliefs and take a vow of promiscuity.
The move has caused controversy among hardline gays such as Wayne Trenton of campaign group Bash the Bishops: “Everyone knows that Church of England clergy live miserable tormented lives, compulsively indulging in unnatural practices such as praying to their non-existent sky-friends, pretending to drink blood, and hosting coffee mornings,” he said.
“Clearly there’s no place for these weirdos in the gay community which has always prided itself on far more wholesome pursuits such as sniffing poppers, sucking off strangers in parks, and worshipping Kylie Minogue.”
But not everyone agrees with Trenton. Prominent pro-religious gay lobbyist, Jonathan Tolthorpe welcomed the vote, saying, “This is wonderful news. After all those bishops have some of the best drag around. I can’t wait to get into their closets! And boy do they have plenty of those.”
Meanwhile the Catholic Church was more equivocal. Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols said, “I fucking hate gays. They fucking disgust me. They should be fucking killed. In this church we’re perfectly clear about the proper expression of sexual desire: just ask our altar boys.”
Archbishop Nichols' new book The Gospel According to Jimmy Savile is published next week.