UK Surgeons who have given a man a pioneering hand transplant have been hailed as heroes by single men up and down the country. The new technology, which allows a donor's hand to be attached in place of the recipients, will cut the average time for masterbation by 5 minutes by removing the need to 'numb' the hand first.
Serial wanker, 17 year old Nic Ireland explained "I can lose up to 60 hours a year sitting on my hand to make it feel like someone else. A transplant will not only save time but if I could have a woman's hand, I won't need to paint my nails every time".
Previous attempts at numbing have included a bionic hand, but as one early trialist explained, the long term results were disappointing. "Most men would admit wanting to be 'tugged' by a well known film star" he told us. "But the bionic hand meant it was like being tossed off by Edward Scissor-hands. I was so upset. I was in pieces."
Psychologists have warned against deciding to have the procedure without a lot of consideration. Instead they recommend more traditional methods of creating the feeling of someone else touching your penis, such as getting someone else to touch your penis.
Paul Goldsmith, head of masterbation research at Oxford University believes giving a hormonal teenager a numb hand is a sure fire way to create a recluse. "It's like giving a young lad an XBox for his birthday" he explained. "They will spend all day in their rooms playing with it, occasionally online, and more often than not whilst talking to a middle aged man pretending to be 16"
However Mr Goldsmith admitted he would need to have a good think about other techniques that worked as well as a hand transplant for creating the feeling of numbness. When asked if he had any ideas to numb the hand he said he would have to sleep on it