Acting on the advice of Jon Gaunt, the police federation (the showbiz wing of the Association of Chief Police officers) have released information that could find Mr Kipling convicted in the court of public opinion. It follows a successful raid on the offices of the bakery magnate, during which files were recovered which contained highly secretive information pertaining to pie dough.
If convicted, Mr Kipling could face death by Twitter meltdown, with a torch bearing mob ready to act on the instructions of community leaders such as Sally Bercow, mockney comic Alan Davies and daytime opinion leader Philip Schofield.
Many loves of tea time snacks may be shocked to discover that for years the maker of 'exceedingly good cakes' has been living a secret double life. Nice though his his mini apple pies may have tasted when complimented with a cup of tea, they masked a hidden sordid secret that Kipling was desperate to suppress.