It's well documented that swearing has been an integral feature of British life since time immemorial, but all that looks set to change, as native Britons appear to have collectively decided that swearing is not big, and certainly not clever.
The Office Of National Statistics today announced that the most popular New Year's resolution for Brits is to stop swearing. Although esteemed social commentators have expressed doubts that any attempt to stop cursing and swearing will prevail much beyond four seconds past midnight on New Year's Day.
'It isn't going to happen,' one expert opined. 'It's just a foolish exercise in self delusion. It may start off with good intent, but then some cunt is going to lose his rag with the wanker who tries to snog his missus, or spills his fucking pint and we'll be right back to square bastard one. Let's face it, we're a nation of cunts who like nothing better than calling all the other cunts "cunts" and probably trying to rip somebody's fucking head off, and shit down their neck. It's just the way we are. And speaking as an esteemed social commentator, I think I can confidently state that some twat of a prick will let the side down within seconds of singing Auld Lang Syne. You can put your fucking house on that. At William Hill. Or at some online bookie's.'
But not everyone agrees. One person who has vowed to stop swearing is determined to go through with it. 'These so called experts are all cunts and cocksuckers,' said Lawrence Bowman from Cheltenham. 'Come midnight tonight, I'm out of the swearing game forever. It'll be a fucking huge relief for me to no longer have to call my wife a lardy arsed dick licker, and my daughter a fat idle whore who takes it up the arse from tramps and licks dogshit up off the street when she's hammered on Carlsberg Specials. No more of that from me. As of the dawn of 2013, I shall become an expletive free zone.'
It's not quite certain at the moment whether the experts have the reformed swearers by the bollocks or not, but the reformers appear determined to win through in the end. 'We can do this thing if we put our fucking minds to it,' one said.
'The man's a cunt,' said one expert. 'He can no more stop swearing than I can stop calling lesbians fucking rug munchers, or gay blokes shitstabbers. It's not going to happen. Trust me.'
'I'm prepared to give it my best shot,' countered one Sheffield teenager. 'It seems like a worthwhile cause to me. It makes me want to fucking puke when these intellectual types keep telling me that I use bad language because I have a limited vocabulary. That's just total bollocks. I know loads of big words - like methamphetamine, chlamydia, and psychosis. I only use swear words to add emphasis to what I'm saying, and any cunt who can't accept that is a cunt and a quarter. With big sweaty hairy piss-flaps.'
Top celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsay will announce the winner in the swearing resolution debate from the battlements of Edinburgh Castle at noon on January 2nd.
Whilst simultaneously being fucked up the arse by the 'daddy' of B Wing, HMP Wormwood Scrubs.
Allegedly.
Opinion is divided at this point.