Britain has been forced to issue an apology today for drunkenly trying to get into France by mistake after a heavy night out celebrating on New Year’s Eve.
The country had been out since early afternoon drinking in local pubs with friends before moving on to a club just before midnight. After leaving the club severely inebriated Britain is then understood to have gone back to Luxembourg’s flat for Jager bombs before heading home. Upon arriving home at around 4am Britain stumbled out of the taxi and up to the wrong front door.
‘I’d had a quiet night in with Switzerland, drinking some wine and eating some cheese, but was then woken in the middle of the night by somebody banging on the door, belching and swearing.’ confirmed France, ‘I looked out of my bedroom window and could see Britain fumbling with his keys and trying to open my front door, so I went downstairs to tell him he had the wrong house.’
Upon opening the door France found Britain standing with his back to him, holding a kebab in one hand and pissing into the English channel.
‘He was clearly in a bit of a mess so I just tried to explain to him that he’d come to the wrong house but he didn’t seem to understand. I don’t think he had any idea where he was at all and was making quite a commotion.’ continued the Gallic nation, ‘I noticed lights coming on in Belgium too so it obviously wasn’t just me that he’d woken up. He eventually seemed to get the message and insisted I shake his hand and give him a hug, then staggered off in the direction of Italy. By that point I was just glad that he wasn’t my problem anymore.’
Britain is said to have no recollection of the events after waking up on the sofa with no memory of getting home, but has apologised unreservedly for any offence caused. Several countries have said the apology does not go far enough, and have called for an end to the binge drinking culture that has made these sort of occurrences more common than anybody would like.
Germany has refused to be drawn into the row however, possibly because they are still struggling to live down a drunken incident in the 1930s when they staggered into Poland and then insisted it was theirs.