Israel has this morning apologised for its attack on a vessel bound for Gaza claiming that they, in all honesty, believed it was a cruise-liner belonging to P&O.
An official statement said that soldiers boarded the cargo ship in urgent need of a toilet but reacted badly when they discovered that all of the urinals had been cordoned off with Out of Order signs.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahoo was swift to defend the action:
‘You know how it is when you’re bursting for a piss. It’s a feeling that unites all peoples, irrespective of culture, creed or colour. These guys had been patrolling the Mediterranean Sea for hours in search of a functional toilet. Our military helicopters are not equipped with loos and a refit isn’t scheduled until 2012. You can’t expect anyone to hang on that long. ’
‘Back in the days when I did my stint in the army, you’d just dangle it over the side, preferably when flying over a refugee camp, but all that was outlawed by the Health & Safety fascists. ‘
‘Many of the troops who were involved in yesterday’s exuberance have had traumatic experiences when travelling with P&O. In 1997, Private Ibrahim, who fired off the first rounds, contracted syphilis from a holiday rep called Chantelle on a cruise around the Greek Islands – all because a poorly-stocked condom machine forced him to go bareback. ‘
Meanwhile P&O, a company that paid its data entry clerks three pounds sixty an hour back in 1992, admitted they were rather taken aback by the Prime Minister’s revelations and restated their commitment to customer satisfaction worldwide. CEO Martin Willis said :
‘Our entire fleet underwent an upgrade of Johnny machines prior to the millennium. I’d like to offer my assurances to Private Ibrahim that were he to travel on one of our modern cruisers and spot some slapper at the bar who, having failed to attract the attention of the obviously gay Head of Entertainment, had consoled herself with one too many of our competitively-priced cocktails, then he could enjoy hours of risk-free intercourse in a variety of sheaths.
‘My personal favourite is ribbed banana.’