It has been claimed that new research published today is sending mixed messages, and has the health and piss-artist communities in a spin. Doctors and winos alike are reeling as the paper, the result of a five year study, makes the startling claim that four pints of normal strength beer consumed before 2.00pm is good for you and will lengthen life expectancy by up 10 years, whereas the same quantity consumed anytime after 2.00pm is tantamount to committing suicide.
The report's author, Dr Stephen Chambers, defended the research last night.
"It's true that our findings seems to be somewhat contradictory, but quite frankly what this report does is negate the need for some other group to bring out a second report in six months that is totally at odds with ours. How many times for example have you seen a piece of research that says red wine taken in moderation is good for you, only to see a subsequent report within a week saying something to the contrary, and perhaps suggesting that to drink as little as one tiny sip of red wine in a year is more dangerous than quaffing a pint of cyanide down in one? We're just seeking to give a balanced view here. That's all."
The report, commissioned jointly by The Brewing Industry and Department of Health, seems to ask more questions than it provides answers for, and is being seen by many as a total waste of time. But ignoring by the furore on all sides, Dr Chambers continues, "There will always be naysayers all too keen to rubbish the findings of this sort of research; well let's seem 'em try with this one!"