Warbling pop sensation and Top Gear favourite Jamiroquai has been chosen to put the Queen through her paces for a 3D dance routine she plans to pull off during her address to the nation on Christmas Day.
‘I’m proud to be involved in this most prestigious of events,’ said Mr Quai. ‘I guess I was the natural choice given that every video I’ve ever made has had me poncing about, wearing a silly hat in an odd-shaped room to make things look a bit 3D and weird.’
Previews of the speech show Her Majesty delivering some of her speech while looking very small in a big room, while other parts show her looking very big in a small room.
‘She very cleverly pulls some Jacko moonwalking shit, and will be wearing an oversized furry crown,’ said 3D filmmaker and event director Justin Burke- Crowe. ‘Mr Quai has also insisted that she does the whole thing while the floor moves beneath her feet, which, fair play to the old girl, is going to be a tough call.’
There will also be a scene with Gollum where Her Majesty has a schizophrenic debate on the value of a traditional monarch as a touchstone for national pride and tradition versus hundreds years of fawning servitude to an unbroken chain of unelected land grabbers.
‘If you look at a British coin and think that the Queen’s slightly raised profile is mesmerising and inexplicable, this will blow your mind,’ said Burke-Crowe. ‘At last, Her Majesty’s loyal subjects will understand that she is just like them, with a nose that sticks out and a back to her head.
'Interestingly, no matter how many times we ran test shots with the other royals, Prince Andrew wouldn't come out in 3D.'
In order to fully encapsulate the 3D cinematic experience, this year’s speech will be presented as a trilogy, each lasting eight hours.