The National Rifle Association has broken its silence over the Sandy Hook school shootings, stating that the problem lies with people mistakenly believing that schools are for the peaceful education of innocents, and not to teach them the way of the gun.
‘We failed our children the day we chose names like Leonardo da Vinci Elementary as opposed to “Mrs Pinder’s Last Stand” Fire Support Base for the Non Mentally Ill,’ said NRA president Wayne LaPierre. ‘The general term would be Community Green Zones.’
‘Five year olds have a worryingly relaxed attitude to personal defence,’ continued LaPierre. ‘We would replace liberal shit like story time and learning to share with ‘fear your neighbour’ classes and gun care. There’s only one thing they need to learn. Get him before he gets you.’
The NRA has also suggested that dinner ladies are an untapped source of frontline shock and awe. ‘They’d all pack heat, fuck yeah,’ said LaPierre.
‘The really fat ones would be like an end of level boss in a computer game, seriously not to be fucked with. The kids wouldn’t be able to hold their hands anymore, because we’ll have proximity mined them, but shit, they just gotta understand that that’s not what adults are all about.’
The proposals would be implemented alongside the NRA’s other strand of child protection: a database of people with mental health issues.
‘Once we knew who they were, it’d be pretty much shoot on sight,’ confirmed LaPierre. ‘The first time I took out a mental with my Cheytac .408 calibre sniper rifle, it felt pretty good. I masturbated over that particular piece of hardware while the barrel was still hot.
‘Turned out he’d been a regular guy up until the time his daughter had been killed in a “stranger danger” shopping mall massacre. He was on his way to her school, clearly in a hurry, when I picked him off with a clean headshot from my battlement window. Like most of my opinions, I didn't give it a second thought.’
The NRA has played down reports that the man in question was on his way to collect his surviving daughter and was simply ‘running a bit late’.
‘We don’t know that for sure,’ said LaPierre, ‘but if it’s true then let’s face it, you can’t create a proper pseudo-military society without a little blue on blue. It would be un-American.
‘God bless my gun collection.’
