The government has released the first draft of a new Bill of Rights, which will enshrine the rights and responsibilities of all British citizens.
Assuming the statesmanlike pose that he’s been practising in front of a mirror for days, David Cameron addressed the house. ‘We acknowledge the right of every man to be tried by a jury of his peers, unless it’s just plain obvious - to right-thinking people and hard-working families - that he’s as guilty as hell. There’s no smoke without fire.
‘We acknowledge the freedom of the press, though we’d happily make an exception of Private Eye. We acknowledge, grudgingly, that whatever David Beckham does - and his pouty wife and, now, his sodding kids - is somehow ‘news’.
‘We recognise that everyone is equal, in a theoretical, abstract, woolly-minded kind of way. But, let’s face facts: as the old song says, “It’s the rich what get the pleasure and the poor what get the pain”. In this together? Yeah, right!
‘We encourage people to spend money they probably haven’t got on things they probably don’t need, if this is what it takes to boost the economy (and it is). We acknowledge the capital as a leading centre of money laundering, dodgy deals and crony capitalism.
‘We recognise our right to protect our nation's borders: to appease our bigger, stronger neighbours, and to go to war, on a whim, with smaller, weaker countries, especially if there’s a general election coming up.
‘We endorse the right to embrace the gay lifestyle - but keep the noise down, lads - and enjoy 'a bit on the side'. The government stands shoulder to shoulder with the Church of England, in celebrating the sanctity of indiscriminate shagging.
‘We acknowledge that British citizens have the right to embrace any crackpot religion they want, and everybody else has to right to mock them unmercifully. The right to point and laugh will be written into the new British constitution.
‘We recognise every citizen’s god-given right to get rat-arsed on a Friday night. We think that red wine is good for you, though by this time next week it may be bad for you, then, a few weeks later, in moderation, it will probably be good for you again.
‘We will promote life, liberty and the pursuit of foxes and defenseless, ground-nesting game birds. We’re all right, Jack. Hooray for us! Don’t drink and drive. Goodnight’...