King Herod of Judea has claimed that he should be exonerated after so-called eye witness reports that he ordered the Massacre of the Holy Innocents have been shown to be false.
‘It is true that I had a meeting to discuss the Baby Jesus issue with my Chancellor, Chief Whip and Culture Secretary,’ he said, ‘although the press description of them as Three Wise Men is something of an exaggeration. And I admit that I gave permission for first-born sons from the Bethlehem area with parents called Joseph and Mary to be eliminated on suspicion, but I swear I didn’t use the ‘M’ word.’
Herod cited new evidence that has come to light which casts doubt on whether Matthew’s account of the story is the Gospel truth. ‘He writes as if he actually witnessed the events,’ said Herod, ‘but the evidence shows that he was nowhere near at the time and didn’t write his report till about 70 years later, and even then it appears the main reason he concocted the tale was to give credence to a spurious prophecy put about by Jeremiah a few centuries before.’
Herod’s former associates also point to the fact that Mark, Luke and John did not report the story at all, while denying leaning on them to suspend their investigations. They say that although Herod was a murderous tyrant he is innocent of using the toxic word ‘massacre’ and should be given his job back.
In a related incident, Salome Bercow claimed she has been unfairly treated after performing an interpretive dance entitled ‘Why is #JohntheBaptist trending? *veiled face*’. ‘The next thing I knew, John’s head had been served up for dinner with an oxtail reduction and Herod’s favourite ‘King of the jus’ sauce.’