The company behind the ‘Dignitas’ chain of clinics in Switzerland, is to launch a new range of centres designed to enable pensioners to die in spectacularly unseemly circumstances.
“It’s a fantastic idea!” commented Wally Henshaw, 84 of Warrington. “When I die, I don’t want to go peacefully, surrounded by my friends and family. I’d much rather pop me clogs in a five hour cocaine bender with fourteen Balinese prostitutes. I can’t wait to sign up.’
Manfred Schroder, Dignitas’ head of Termination Solutions explained the rationale behind the new scheme.
‘After speaking to a lot of our customers we realised that not all pensioners are cuddly old war heroes who want to spend their last precious moments with their closest relatives. Many of them are actually cantankerous old misanthropes who would be much happier blowing their life savings so they can choke to death on a barbiturate laced Werthers Original sucked from the belly button of a Colombian lap dancer, instead of passing any of it on to the their avaricious offspring and useless grandchildren. ‘
Herr Schroder explained that the scheme would be launched in January, with more products to come throughout the year.
“To begin with we will just be launching our core product, ‘The Sex Heart Attack’,
However we will continue to add new products to the range as time goes on. By the third quarter of 2013 we intend to go live with both ‘Accidental Hedge Trimmer Massacre’ and ‘The Mobility Scooter Cliff Plunge.’”
And they are determined to press ahead, despite some criticism from conservative commentators.
“We understand that this is not everyone’s cup of pentobarbital, but all we are trying to do is bring a bit of colour and drug fuelled humping into the lives of our elder citizens in what little time they have left.
“We ran a trial scheme in November and we got some great comments from our clients. Well, I’m sure we would have done, but very few of them could be bothered to fill in their customer feedback forms after the event.”