In an historic visit to Downing Street earlier today, the cabinet presented Queen Elizabeth II with 60 place mats in recognition of the number of properties she has keys to here in the UK
The ‘place’ mats, made from the hair of a dying child plucked off the streets of Manilla and embroidered with the words FUCK OFF PLEB in the blood of Nelson Mandela’s gallstones were presented to the Queen to mark a life-time of being very rich.
The Queen, who could soil the sheets of a freshly made bed every night for nearly seven weeks was said to be delighted with the ‘place-mats’ and told the cabinet they could fuck right off if they thought they would ever get the chance to wipe their shitty commoner feet on them.
It was also announced that an area located around the back of the Queen’s arse would be named ‘Antartica’ in honour of the Diamond Jubillee celebrations.
‘There is no place colder, more forbidding or more desolate than the Queen’s arse when she is turning a disabled crofter out of his home on the Balmoral estate’ said loyal subject a Mr D. Cameron ‘and what better way to send the crofter out into the cold night air than with two Churchilian fingers and a flash of Royal rump.
After the meeting the Queen tucked into a meal of cold turkey and Pickles.......
Finish it yourself