Here at the NRA we take our responsibility seriously. There has been much criticism laid at our door recently for defending the second amendment, which gives Americans the right to bear arms. Some have suggested we put forward ways to stop gun crime in the good ol' US of A so we bit the bullet and gave it our best shot.
1) Guns are mainly used for hunting wild animals. Taking them away completely would take away our fun. What else could we do on The Lord's Day other than kill the very animals he put on earth for our entertainment. So we suggest that every baby deer, fox, large bird and, in some states, ethnic minority has a preloaded rifle attached to it. That way the gun isn't in someone's house waiting to be stolen, but jumping around the field on the creature it is intended to kill. Although we will still allow one gun per household or trailer to shoot the animal to get the gun to shoot the animal.
2) Guns are also a very important tool in reducing the number of gang members in the wild. If gang members aren't allowed to shoot each other then their numbers will swell and they will roam the streets, breaking into your house and raping your family. However we do except there is a danger of innocent people being caught in the cross fire. So we propose every gang member has their gang 'tag' painted in luminous paint on their fronts, back and on top of their heads. This means they will only shoot each other and the public can walk around even the roughest districts with absolutely no fear, unless of course they are the victim of 'friendly fire'.
3) People with mental health issues can be seen, by some, as a potential risk when armed. We disagree with this. Yes people with issues do commit horrendous crimes with guns, but they were also wearing shoes. Does that mean everyone wearing shoes is a danger? No. However, in a bid to ensure we keep our liberal gun laws as they are, we are willing to shoot anyone with a mental illness. To be on the safe side, this can range from psychotic behaviour and deep depression through to ADHD and dyslexia. That way no 'mental' can get hold of a gun. Simple
4) Finally we address the danger in schools, work places and other crowded areas. We agree it would be nonsensical to arm children and teachers for the purposes of self-defence, that is why we recommend a shotgun at every fire alarm point in public building. Training should be given with the bi-annual fire training so people are confident that in the event of an emergency they can put the shooter out. There are some important points to remember though. Bullet evacuations should be carried out regularly, only use the shotgun if you feel confident in doing so, and do not tackle a shooter that is bigger than a waste paper bin.
We think you will agree that these proposals will help create a better America and will make you feel so warm inside, you too will develop our unmistakable red neck.
One last thing. We realise our motto may seem a bit old Fashioned and insensitive, so we have consulted with our friends The Republican Party and agreed to change it to the following.
The National Rifle Association: Guns don't kill people, God does because he doesn't like gays.
