Farage blames Restore for “splitting the gammon vote”
Following Andy Burnham’s victory in the Makerfield by-election, Reform leader Nigel Farage has hit out at Restore Britain for “splitting the gammon vote”. “I know Britain has a lot of irascible boneheads with a vague sense of discontent they’re not intelligent enough to process,” he told reporters today. “But it’s not an infinite number, and we have to beware of Johnny-come-latelies like Restore splitting their vote. ”Frankly, it’s bad enough some of them are still voting Ref
‘Master Race’ regrets choosing representatives from the bargain bin
A spokesman for the Master Race has apologised to the press for some of the race’s recent representatives. ‘Okay, a few of them look like they had difficult births. Some did, to be fair. And yeah, there’s always one at a rally in a weird suit with 1940s hair who looks like his Mum still makes his sandwiches. And none of them can punctuate, spell or use English grammar. But that doesn’t mean they don’t represent Engerland, the greatest race the world has ever seen’. Master rac
Trump: Duh! Of course my birthday celebrations were vulgar
"They called the UFC bout at the White House a tacky, shameful desecration of an historic site," said a spokes-savage for President Trump. "The President's saying: Duh! Of course it was. Why are you not getting this? For eight decades, New York's top rank branded Mr Trump a small-fingered vulgarian with the speaking voice of a sewage worker and the interior decor tastes of a brothel owner. The only fellow billionaire who was ever happy to be seen with him was Jeffrey Epstein.
Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s
In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation. ‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’. Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from o
Kids internet ban resurfaces three rings
With the government hell-bent on stopping under sixteen year old children accessing the internet, children are pointing out they use their apps to monitor their friends have returned home safely. 'Apparently I'll need to use my minutes or text allowance to check if Billy got home ok,' said Jimmy, aged eight, 'and I need that to ensure I can call my mum if I'm stuck. So I'm going to use something I found on the internet - apparently people used to dial friends and hang up afte
John Mortimer’s ghost to sue Reform for plagiarism
The ghost of author John Mortimer, best known for his Rumpole of the Bailey novels, is to sue Reform from beyond the grave over their selection of Robert ‘Rob’ Kenyon in Makerfield. ‘Woo, woo’, said Mortimer’s ghost, ‘It’s a straight rip-off of ‘Rumpole and the Bubble Reputation’, woo’. (Sir John Mortimer has been a ghost since 2009, you’d have thought he’d be better at haunting, but there you go). NewsBiscuit has read Rumpole and the Bubble Reputation and we can confirm simi
Starmer answers critics
Prime Minister (at the time of writing) Keir Starmer has hit back at critics who say the ban on under 16s using social media is unworkable. Stating that critics have no idea how easy it is for government to monitor online activity of citizens, he laid out the punishments being considered for children who break the new law. First offenders will be fined two packets of Panini stickers and a vape, with repeat offenders having their houses raided, all computers and phones confisc
Burnham: I'll say whatever it takes to solve UK's problems
"I give this pledge to the Labour Party and the electorate about what I am resolved to do," said Prime Ministerial hopeful and T-shirt model Andy Burnham. "I will be fearless in saying everything in my power to become leader and make Britain happy. "I will state, forthrightly and in no uncertain terms, that it's time to defy Labour's bleeding heart, left-wing backbenchers, slash welfare spending and boost Britain's defences. "I will also be utterly resolute in saying that we
British troops flung aboard Shadow fleet tanker
There is no issue with resources in the MoD, insisted a moustachioed cartoon officer with an infeasibly large number of stripes. The official press release is clear. 'Valiant British troops took the unusual step of boarding the shadow tanker by trebuchet, because the unit's helicopter is stuck in Kwik-Fit awaiting the correct windscreen wiper. Four men hit the water and two hit the side of the ship, but three men successfully boarded. 'The three heavily armed soldiers advance
Doctors warn of vile new summer parasite
"Summer is known to bring the risk of infection from the cryptosporidium parasite, flatworms and ticks," said a spokes-stephoscope for the Brutish Summertime Medical Association. "But a new parasite has evolved which is a million times more malignant than any of those. "We call it the Purecoldrage parasite. It thrives by sucking up all the anger, bile and hatred which lurks inside the minds of Britain's most grumpy people and then releasing it into the general population in m
