UK Sunday tabloid the News of the World has published shocking details of substance abuse by celebrities hooked on the hair removal cream 'Veet'.
The article goes into great detail about the life of the late Yul Brynner, former Broadway and Hollywood star, who became addicted to Veet when his role in the first theatrical run of 'The King and I' called for him to have a clean-shaven head. 'After over a thousand performances as the King, he became so attached to his shine pate that he decided to keep it as a 'trademark', just as I became notorious for my hammy acting,' said friend and mentor William Shatner.
Brynner is not the only celebrity figure to be 'outed', with Telly Savalas of 'Kojak' fame also heavily implicated, constantly sucking on Veet lollipops during filming. The paper also claims to have uncovered a black market for the controversial substance, with the Veet 'kingpin' being named as former Olympic swimmer slaphead Duncan Goodhew.
Gail Porter has been fingered by reporters as a 'potential abuser', but she has released a statement denying involvement in the Veet trade. 'Goodhew came to me all secretively and said he had this great stuff for me to try,' she said, 'I assumed he was offering me something better than my usual cocaine, but he said he could make me balder than I'd ever been before. I told him that I wasn't interested and that my alopecia really wasn't something to take the piss out of. He apologised and said he'd assumed I was on some crappy own-label supermarket product and asked me to keep his 'little secret' quiet.'
Recovering addict Sinéad O'Connor, who ironically looked much prettier when bald as a coot, has been publicly speaking out against Veet since the article was published. 'It's evil,' said O'Connor. 'I started out just using Bic razors as a statement about women's rights, but in time I'd worked my way up to the stronger stuff and was habitually using Veet three or four times a day. They tried to wean me off onto the weaker, less habit-forming Veet substitute 'Nair', but once you've tried Veet nothing compares to it.'
One of the most unexpected revelations to come out of the article is that TV and radio presenter Pat Sharp was a heavy Veet abuser throughout the 1990's, despite his famous mullet-man appearance. 'I was clearly overcompensating,' said Sharp, 'so I picked the most outrageous wig I could find. I looked ridiculous, and it's all down to being an addict.'
'People assumed I was just really happy as I recorded each episode of Fun House,' Sharp continued, 'but it took all my strength not to laugh at myself. I'm clean now though, but I have to keep away from sources of temptation -- some of the aisles in Boots and the entire chain of Bodycare stores, for example.'
[SUGGESTIONS TO STRENGTHEN THIS WOULD BE VERY WELCOME PLEASE!!!]