Bosses at the UK's foremost sub zero food retailer have moved to deny accusations that rook and other unpopular fauna are routinely used in the preparation of the store’s ‘luxury’ 3-bird roast.
Industry sources have suggested that the retailer’s money woes, worsened by the buy out of the increasingly erratic and unappealing Kerry Katona's 25 year advertising contract, have led to a decrease in the quality of ingredients, already considered to be amongst the worst in the western world.
Countering the speculation, a spokesperson confirmed only that “the outermost creature is in many ways like turkey.” When pressed he offered a well-reasoned but ultimately evasive exposition of the metaphysical problem of identity.
Iceland Chief Executive Simon Midgeley said in a written statement, “The packet says there are three birds in there and in many cases there are. In any food preparation environment there will be instances where an eyelash, nut traces or the mauled carcass of an unrecognisable beast may interact with the production line although obviously we do everything we can to avoid it.
Chair of the Royal Society of Ornithology and frozen food enthusiast Sir William Taplow said, “I had one of these avian matrioshkas last week and frankly the whole thing tasted like shit. I wouldn't even one in the house.”