A British military equipment manufacturer has reported a 'stunning upturn and spurt' in the run up to Christmas, thanks to the book '50 Shades of Grey'.
Screech & Matlock Ltd, who have made instruments of torture since the time of Oliver Cromwell, saw a crippling drop in sales when military contracts with Egypt, Libya and the USA were cancelled in 2010.
'When it comes to administering pain, Screech & Matlock is the name that immediately springs to the lips of discerning interrogators around the world.' says managing director Richard Marquis-DeVille. 'But in 2009, when extraordinary rendition was brought under public scrutiny, we were dropped like a red hot poker. By early 2011 we were strapped for cash, facing bankruptcy with warehouses full of unwanted stock.'
From Guantanamo to Guildford...
'Fortunately, my wife had just read the 'Shades of Grey' book. I saw an opportunity to exploit an enormous gap in the market for quality pain-inducing products. By customising our existing stock, such as adding fluffy pink puffballs to our hi-tech gonad tasers, huge interest was aroused amongst a totally new customer base.'
According to Marquis-DeVille, sex shop retailers around the world cannot get enough of S&M's new products.
'Our festive themed range of hand-crafted 'Naughty Santa' waterboards, 'Rudolph's Rednose' nipple and cock clamps and 'The Cheeky Elf' bastinado whips are flying off the shelves, most of them purchased by wives to give their husbands under the Christmas tree, or over the testicles.'
'You could say that rather than being small arms suppliers, we're now large genital facilitators.' he quips.
'The only downside is that many of the company's long-serving employees say they are ashamed to work in what they now perceive to be a dirty and immoral business.'
(Rewritten and resubmitted for consideration)