The penis has won the highest accolade at the annual British Design Awards. Simon Cardwell, president of the Design Council, said “It’s time to recognise the penis as a design classic that’s never gone out of style”.
Before presenting the award to God, who still owns copyright over everything he created during the busiest week of his life, Mr Cardwell read from the citation. “The penis is a multi-purpose organ of great charm and sophistication, whether you want to take a leak, have recreational, no-strings sex or opt for the ‘big one’: reproduction. It’s pointed, when tumescent, for easy ingress into vagina, mouth or anus, but not so sharply pointed that it might make the recipient’s eyes water. At rest, the penis is soft, malleable and unobtrusive... though all it takes to prepare it for action is a glimpse of a lingerie advertisement in Cosmopolitan. That’s quality design, the judges felt. As plaything, waste disposal conduit and semen-delivery system, the penis is unequalled”.
God accepted the award with customary grace. He agreed that designing the penis was “one of the best things I ever did”, while admitting his mind “was on other things” when he created the scrotum, and that, given his time over again, he would have put the testicles inside the body, out of harm's way. After a standing ovation from the packed audience, God said he had initially been worried about giving the penis “a mind of its own”, and that this had caused a few problems over the years. Indeed, he was still ambivalent about anal sex, suggesting the practice was like driving the wrong way up a one-way street. "But what do I know?", he shrugged. However, God had no issues with masturbation. "There's a reason", he winked, "why your arms are the length they are".
“Opinions about the organ’s aesthetic qualities depend on whether you own one or not”, God said. “During sex a man thinks of his penis as a heat-seeking missile, armed with a thermo-nuclear warhead, that explodes in a shower of stars. Unfortunately, a woman sees the climactic moment rather differently. The image that’s lodged firmly in her mind, and refuses to go away, is of a lorry shedding its load”.
As he posed for the photographers, while kissing the award, God reminded the audience that the penis was just one of his many designs. “In terms of genitalia”, he concluded, “it's women who probably have the edge. To be honest, if I had a vagina, a decent pair of tits and the ability to have multiple orgasms, I’d never leave the house”...