Esteemed British author J.K. Rowling fought and killed fellow author Suzanne Collins last week in a crowded Boston train station, marking the end of a centuries-old battle between the two immortal and furiously headstrong women. Sources close to Rowling said that she was glad to be through with the brutal conflict, which necessarily ended with the Hunger Games' author's head thoroughly separated from her body.
Sean Connery, Scottish actor and self-proclaimed expert on this age-long war of nearly invincible feminist fantasy writers, came forward to explain this mystical phenomenon. He said that Rowling and Collins both belonged to an ancient race of immortal and independent women.
Rowling, multimillionaire creator of the Harry Potter franchise, is 46 years old, according to British hospital records, but Connery's testimonial puts this documentation into question. "From the dawn of time they came," said Connery, "moving silently down through the centuries, living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the Gathering, when the few who remain will battle to the last."
Connery said that Rowling and Collins, the last of their race, had been battling for a prize which, among other things, could've included an eternity of slavery and darkness had Collins won the duel. Now that Collins is dead, however, humanity is safe.
Rowling, back at home in Gloucestershire, appeared to be enjoying her hard-fought prize of global telepathy, clairvoyance and mortality. Eager to start another novel and begin living a normal life, Rowling basked in the glory of her victory over Collins. "There can only be one," she sighed.
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