Musical supremo Elton John has revealed that scientists have successfully made him pregnant, using the genetically modified womb from an old bear. Sir Elton, 65, has barely suffered any signs of morning sickness, although he did feel the urge to hibernate in late November.
The pianist and his partner, David Furnish, already have one baby, born by a human surrogate somewhere in California. But the happy couple are expecting the second to be ‘even better than the old one’, thanks to the miracle of science and a grizzly's second-hand lady-pocket.
“There’s no feeling like it, having a little human growing inside you”, explained Elton. “It’s fantastic that these days, age is no barrier to being a mum. And a Christmas baby? Well, that's the best gift I could have hoped for. Although I'd still like that steam train and a Dubai island shaped like my face."
Furnish explained that differing gestation periods between the species ‘Homo sapiens’ and ‘Ursa Minor’ make it hard to calculate exactly when the baby is due, but a full medical team are on stand-by for Elton’s sell-out Christmas tour. “Obviously, it would be a dream come true for Elton to squeeze it out on stage during an encore”, admitted Furnish. “But failing that, I think we’d both quite like a water birth.”
The singer has denied media claims that he is ‘too posh to push’, and is adamant that he won’t resort to a C-section. But doctors are keeping a sharp knife handy just in case he changes his mind, and have warned elderly men in a similar position they risk a hernia, or a full rectal prolapse.
Mumsnet have criticised the star for being ‘too old’ to have a baby, but Sir John’s scientific team have plans in place to deal with such minor technical issues. “All the clues were there in my smash hit, ‘Rocket Man’”, he chuckled. “So I’ve booked myself on one of those Richard Branson space flight thingies.”
“If we can get it going fast enough, the baby will age much faster than me on Earth and I’ll pop back just in time for his 16th birthday. Nine months should do it: by then my doctors think I’ll be fully time-dilated.”