British military implements-of-torture manufacturer for over 450 years, Screech & Matlock, who saw a crippling drop in sales when lucrative government contracts with Egypt, Libya and the USA were cancelled in 2010, have announced a 'stunning upturn and spurt' in orders for the fourth quarter.
'Once extraordinary rendition was brought into public consciousness, the writing was on the wall for our military order book. By 2011 we were strapped for cash with warehouses full of unwanted stock.' says CEO Richard Marquis-DeVille, "We had to think out of the box for new markets, but, once one of our R&D department's secretaries read the '50 Shades of Grey' book, it became clear we had to think into the box.'
'We've been making speciality instruments from the time of Cromwell. When it comes to administering pain, we are the experts. We customised our existing range to exploit an enormous potential gap in the market for precision-made quality products. For example, spraying our titanium handcuffs pink and adding fluffy puffballs to our hi-tech gonad taser-ticklers stimulated huge interest amongst a totally new customer base.'
According to Mr Marquis-DeVille, sex shop retailers cannot get enough of S&M's new products.
'Our festive themed range of blindfolds, gags, Santa's nipple and cock clamps, whips and Rudolph's Rednose waterboards are flying off the shelves, most of them purchased by wives to give to their husbands under the Christmas tree or duvet." he adds.
'Rather than being small arms suppliers anymore, I suppose you could say we're now large genital providers.'
'The only downside is that many of the company's long-serving employees say they are now ashamed to work in what is perceived to be a filthy, unethical and immoral business.'
'Ho - Ho - who's a naughty little Ho?' From Guantanamo to Guildford...